No, you're not to be blamed.

Just because you said: " I am sorry, I am not intended to, but I really can't."

"Thank you." I said, for ruining my hope and my life, just because you said you are not intended to.

Well, what else can I do, some people are born with luck, they always get to the top, good things will always be their side and they always got to get away from the bad thing.

But I am not one of them, in fact, sense of insecurities and anger and emotion gushing up and down in me. After so long, after the exact same lessons I learnt for so many times, I still don't know how to break through the feeling of being a loser, being an unlovable and unwanted human being.

Love and compassion came to me naturally and so I fall deeply in love, easily trusting everyone.

Now, it is time to cut of all these element in me, loving, kind, compassion, these are things that tied on my feet and pull me down towards the bottom of the valley, each and every time. They are intended to be good but no longer capable in current selfish society.

I once thought someone will treasure it as I am, someone will see this quality and handle them with care, but every time these are to be taken for granted, these are to be turned into sword that will eventually pierce through my heart.

I am sorry that now, I am full of hatred, vengeance, doubting always.

"I am sorry, I am not intended to, but I really can't."

Dear My Future Husband 001

Dear my future husband,

Today I am going to tell you that I had really loved someone for almost 12 years, who I met before you.
I was young and easily persuaded. A young heart full with fairy tales of love.

If I got to chose, I would want the pure and unbroken me to meet you.
I had a broken heart which I think wouldn't be easily mend this lifetime.
But I will trust that you will mend it for me, for our sake. This sounds silly and selfish I know.
But I would want  a sincere and new life with you.

For our family and our future, I will leave my pass in the past and look to the wonderful days to come with you.
Please allow me time to learn how to really love, please bare with me if you are serious about us.
As I will be as serious as you are about us. I will not bring the shadows in the pass into us.

As I am worth it for you, so you are worth it for me.
You came to me when I am no longer believe in love and no longer fancy in marriage.
I want to thank you for making me complete.

Thank you for helping me to have faith once again, to be able to step out and fall again.
All, because of your sincere and true love that had overwhelm me and make me believe in true love again.

Dear my future husband, the one who treats me like a princess, respect me as a lady.
I love you. And I will love you more every single day.

Toast to our down on earth but strong founded love.
I will be your prettiest princess.

Let not control

After so many things happened, mostly conflict within myself, finally now i had understood something.

Sometime, things ain't that difficult, but what you think affect what the situation is.
Have you ever came across people who are so calm all the time?
Or you had met someone who scream for every little issues?

Is the attitude that define our altitude.
Where we can reach is all determined by the way we think.
Or should I say our choice.

To switch a mindset is not that hard if you are willing to, if you really want to.
After some chaos that happened, we may just figure out that it's all because of our conservative mindset.

Sometimes, we want to take control over our life, over our relationship, and over our career.
But things do not work that way, no matter how hard we try, there is still one day you find things are out of control.

Sometime, we just need to accept and try to work things out of it, not blaming or asking why.

Life is going on, we should move on.
It's better to fix things rather then just left the mess piled at the corner.

Maybe without noticing, sometimes we are the one who cause all the chaos.
All because we are so mad, because we couldn't let go, because our perfectionism.

A good and constructive style is good but a destructive one should be removed.
But it's all up to us to make a tiny decision.

Try so hard but still couldn't make things work your way?
Why not let go?

Just see where life leads us to, life is meant to be dynamic isn't it?
So just slow down your pace and re think of what your life is and where did it reach.

 Just don't be too stressed up and enjoy the way it is.

This is my life!

This is my life so i have the say!

Gonna smile because of myself, not because of someone else.
Gonna be satisfied because i did something for myself.
Gonna be contented because i helped myself grow up.

Gonna motivate myself and learn things by myself.
Gonna grow on my own and shine through all.

I do have the right to decide what i want and who i am.
I am not a puppy following anymore.
Not a puppet you can manipulate anymore.

Don't try to calm me with your sweet words.
Don't try to fool me with your silly acts.

Don't say you care when you act like don't.
Don't cheat if you are a real hero.

Gonna grow stronger inside.
Gonna gain more ability and wisdom.
Gonna be good to myself after all.

Sorry i don't give a shit about your junk.
I only care for people who care for me.

Growing Up

At the age of 23, what do i understand about growing up?

Been came across with different different people in my life. Some do inspire me a lot.

Some people make me wonder, some hurt and some leave impacts.

By observing these people helps me thinking actually. I love watching people doing stuff. Erm... sounds kinda bossy. But nah, i am not bossy. It's just that i always observe and learn from them. It feeds my soul and thought when things people do or the way people response or acts teach me something.

I always admire those strong people who are well organized and can always handle their emotion well. I really inspired by people who know what they need and turn every of their moment into something extraordinary, something lively and meaningful. That's the beauty of the wise's life which i think should happen to people who are grown up and mature enough.

For me, i wonder when i can reach that level where i know myself well enough and get everything under control. Growing up ain't easy. Indeed, it's a choice of each individual. Each one of us should be responsible to our life journey and we decide when we gonna grow up.

Growing up is a continuous process, just like riding bicycle up the hill. You got to keep on paddling or else it stop or fall. And it requires strength and motivation to continue. You got to preserver. It's either moving forward or sliding backward. When the slope is steeper, you need to paddle harder. Just like when you aim for better, you strive harder. 

At my age, maturity in mind is something that matter. I cannot just forsake or simply give up, responsibility should be in my senses now. Be responsible to myself and people around. I cannot just fool around everyday. Instead, each day starts with planning and self-motivation.This is when self-esteem comes into the way, I can be where I want to be. I state my own value. 

Learn to care for others is another thing to practice. When we able to think for others and think from different perspective, there is a level of maturity. Being willing to do more is one of the process of growing. Besides growing in maturity, growing in faith is also necessary. 

Not only being able to do or plan, but being able to believe and love. That's more important i think cause it is what that keep us going.

And through all these journey, there are many people to thank to which inspire me to grow, make me wanting to grow. These people are beautiful. ♥

I love you still~

Despise of all the things happened, despise of all the mistake and tears,
our love never die down.

It's been 8 years plus since then, amazing, isn't it?

Still, you mean a lot to me and i love you still~

God transforms our life.

What you think affect what you feel, what you feel affect what you do, what you do decide what you get. The core is always important. Every change should start from the root.

Feeding the soul is important, when the innermost is right, other things will be right. What we do is just the outermost thing. We can continue for a while and feel tired of doing it. Only if we get our heart right, everything else will follow.

Quiet time is very important for Christians, bible reading, prayers and the relationship with God sustain our inner most part which is the engine of our life. Having relation with God gives us wisdom and strength. It makes sure our minds don’t get astray thus we can function in a sensible way.

We should be thankful that from Him we get our direction, we are not alone after all. No matter how lacking is a man, he will never lack of God’s love and guidance. He will see to it when he asks. All we need to do is just ask, God is always with us.

What a shame if we don’t know how blessed we are that we can always rely on Him. He is always beyond our thought. No love is bigger than His.